PERSONAL

I've been wanting to come back to my blog but knew that I couldn't until I got my head wrapped around everything that happened to me since Thanksgiving. I had discussed events in detail with friends, but just couldn't get my thinking straight to write it all down. AND I knew that I had to write it all down before I could go back to my usual kinda funny commentary on my life. I don't like my blog to be personal...I like it to be funny because without humor we are left with nothing but maggots & cockroaches ya know?

Two things happened....well a couple big things and many small things. First my baby got very ill. Well, he got kinda better, then very ill, then kinda better, then really really ill...since a couple weeks before Thanksgiving I was in sick baby hell. Anyone who has had a baby knows what sick baby hell is like...well the sick baby hell was constant for a couple months. He had what I thought was several ear infections...after I saw a specialist who was awesome...Well, he is awesome. The doctor told me that my baby had one massive infection that just wouldn't go away. His ear drums busted 7 times...To make an incredibly long story short he got tubes put in his ears, his infection was some special bacteria that took daily shots for a week to be rid of...he is now doing very well but I'll still be in and out of that specialist office for months maybe years...


Now to once again talk about my family events that happened....a tale I am honestly sick of I blog it only for those of my friends who don't know the details and for anyone who might come across my blog and relate. I have to start by back tracking a bit. My mother is passive aggressive & agoraphobic. Her agoraphobia was getting so bad she wouldn't leave the house with anyone but me or my sister (a sister who is in town maybe 3 times a year). I am the only care giver for her and if I don't show up at her front door then well no one does. This was bad because I had a 3 day rule...I made sure to do something with her at least every 3rd day. I wouldn't leave her alone for more than that because I knew it was one old lady alone in a big house with nothing but the cable. It was really getting to me because many many times I would want to be home, out with friends, doing anything but hanging out with her but I would force myself to go. Keep in mind that my mother is able bodied and there are some really really nice programs out there for the elderly but she would refuse to participate in any of them.
The passive aggressive and contradicting me in front of my children was getting out of hand. It shouldn't be done in the first place but she was getting out of control with it. Example: We are about to go into Wallmart I tell my four year to not ask for anything he's got everything he needs at home (children need to understand that they can't have things every time we go into the store...right people? common sense) she heard me then looked at my son and said "I can buy the baby whatever I want..." You get the picture.

Then my lovely & charming (I use the term loosely as if a big turd could be considered lovely and a maggot charming) came into town for their yearly Christmas visit. My brother & sister bought a home...I told my brother that I wanted my mom to start visiting them for periods of time now that they had room for her (it's a 5 bedroom plus guest room house) so I could have a break from her...he told her what I said but made it sound nasty. In turn my mother got sullen and made (again, sigh) a lot of passive aggressive remarks to me...My sister who in means well but was constantly picking up my four year old keeping all freaking day and trying to take over parenting while she was in town She would interrupt me in the middle of correcting him to tell him something herself...it was out of hand. I was going crazy.

Then an afternoon came when I was sitting in the backyard with a sullen old lady...my four year old asks me to take an old toy home..I tell him no thank you...he's going to toss it on the ground in the middle of the garage I've been trying to throw that toy away for a freaking year. I tell my 4 year old that I have my reasons for saying no. I wasn't saying no to be mean I had a reason. My mother turns around and says to my four year old "She is mean...."


Now I am reading this book The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup...I highly highly recommend that any woman over the age of 35 read it. It's more than menopause it's about midlife it's about how we woman tick in the second half of our lives. Dr Northrup states that when a woman reaches perimenopause she begins to change. Her tolerance for things that before she would excuse or deal with diminishes. I have realized that I am at the perimenopause stage in my life. MY tolerance for my mother at that point was gone. I exploded. I yelled like I have never yelled before. I was trying to get my point across to her but all she did was roll her eyes. When she rolled her eyes something in my snapped. I wanted to slap her, but instead I left. I walked out of that house...it's been a month I haven't been back.

For weeks maybe months prior to all this I had been feeling angry. I had this intense anger in me all the time. I was freaking seething...It made no sense because I had nothing to be angry about. I have a great husband, new house, good kids...there was nothing to be pissed about. There were days that I was so angry I would stand in my pantry telling myself to breath in and out...in and out. I now understand that it was my personal message from my soul, core, spirit...whatever you call it. I kept ignoring the fact that this situation with my mother was wearing me down, killing my happiness.....

The second my mother said that...the week after, even now I felt something shift in me. This wall came down on me that I am almost 40 years old and still dealing with the dysfunction of my family. I have grey hair & crows feet why the hell am I smiling at my sisters ignorance, tolerating my brother being an asshole to me our whole lives and enabling my mothers pitiful pearl BS.

Interesting thing when I stopped calling her...it took her a month to call me...The anger slowly faded. My household suddenly felt really good. If I didn't have such a sick kid I actually had time now to spend with my friends. I talked to my husband more because I wasn't too angry to even speak. I (almost) stopped yelling at my 4 year old. A calm came down upon me.

I haven't seen my mother since that day. She did call me this week to let me know she was leaving to Los Angels for a month and wanted to see the children. That really pissed me off. But I now know not to expect more from my family it would be a waste of time. They are irrational people who speak in circles and blame their faults on others. I felt she owed me an apology. I feel hurt and distaste for her. When she called I calmly told her that when she got back from Los Angles she and I would sit down to have a long talk only after that would she see the children.
She accepted what I said...I think she knew she had no choice.

I know exactly what I will tell her when we do sit down to have that talk. I don't want to go into it now because I am just sick of the discussing, pondering, going over the whole thing. I do know that I have changed, things will change or I will go away as easy as that.


During all this insanity something a small moment happened that I think about often...I had dropped off my son at preschool driving home I noticed two woman walking along the sidewalk...One was wearing shorts, t-shirt, ponytail..the other was a Muslim (forgive me but I don't know the proper name for the clothing) and was wearing a track suit with her head covering...you could tell they were walking for exercise...both were laughing and talking with each other... I loved that two woman so different were friends and looked genuinely happy. I knew I wanted that....I wanted to be happy and if that made me the biggest bitch according to my family then I would just be one happy bitch.