knife me

So I love plastic surgery shows. I watch them enthralled & plotting. I love to see the before & after. It doesn't matter exactly what the surgeons are fixing, it's the fact that they can for an exchange of money & pain fix it. "you mean I don't have to live with this ______ for the rest of my freaking life.." Yippee here's my credit card and let me make a couple phone calls.

You see I get excited just writing about plastic surgery shows. I get happy for the people having the work done. For a short amount of time the chick having a tummy tuck is my BFF...I am so there for you sister!!! I don't care what show it is or what doctor. (I will say that I am not entirely convinced that Dr Rey is straight & an ex-boss of mine did give me his card.) But who cares look how flat her tummy is...sigh.

My husband shakes his head at me when he catches me watching them. I tell him I'm shopping. He thinks I won't have it done....silly man. He thinks he can say I won't have it done. I am just waiting to go back to work & get G out of diapers then under the knife I go. It's a flat tummy & new tata's for the mama.

See I get passionately angry if anyone suggests me having something done is a bad idea. I will fight that argument to freaking court. It's on...it's church if you tell me I can't get a tummy tuck let alone pretty titties. I'm hissing & scratching your eyes out like a rabid ferret.

Just to give you a visual of me watching any plastic surgery show....there's this movie Open Season. There's a scene where the bear is watching Wheel of fortune on the TV...he's totally into it, lost in it, and loving it. Ya, that's me.

brilliant

I have gotten to the age where I start & end my day with coffee. I'm not sure when it happened but all of a sudden I was drinking coffee at night in the middle of the summer. Something I've only seen older people do. Not young people at the Screwbucks, nope old people with a coffee mug that is very aged, stained and just righty at home.

That said I had a "wow, great idea." moment with Miss Kate from Jon & Kate. I saw her pour her coffee into a travel mug. This was a moment of genius to me. I have since fallen head over heals in love with the travel mug. There had been several times that I was frustrated with my coffee...I would pour myself a cup, get it ready, then baby cry, 4 year old hungry...by the time I got back to it well it was always cold & shiny in a cold coffee mate way. Now I use a travel mug at home & it's all fixed. I am now on a quest for the perfect travel mug...which if you've read my past blogs I am sure is available on QVC.

So audience have you ever had that "wow, great idea.." moment with the ordinary mundane household stuff? I want to know...comment/email me...

Lastly a note on my last blog about aliens. Yes, it's all pathetically true. AND no I am not 36...I f'd up Miss Tortilla corrected me...I am in fact 37. But for the greater good of the universe & me I shall now be 40 for the next 4 years. This allows me to remember a close proximity to my age along with giving me a boost when people say "wow, you look good for 40."

and now I shall go to the QVC website on ogle travel mugs the way some 12 year old boys stare at cheerleaders.

aliens & pubic hair

Aliens:

So I've got a lot of issues about things that are generally ridiculous. An example would be that I occasionally get super worried that a Resident Evil type of zombie bullshit will take over the place and where will I hide with my kids. Along with the concern as to how much formula could I loot for G before he's turned into a baby zombie. I am not concerned for W since W is former bad ass military guy.....he'll survive, kill zombies & hopefully rescue his family all while riding his Harley.

But, I digress...I am scared shitless of Aliens. Mmmm...let me clarify Space Aliens. Kidnapping/Abduction scare the crap out of me...so put in some small pissed off grey "things" well you've got my 10th level of hell. So Tuesday night there was Primetime Aliens on TV. Now I knew better. I knew better than to record it, put the boys to bed, and try to casually watch it. I knew better, but I did it anyway. I sat there trying to pretend the things people were saying were not terrifying me while I polished my nails. I looked up at the pictures of aliens with big bug eyes & funny shaped heads and told myself that these are just drawings no reason to panic.

Well, I Miss Tonta of the week scared the crap out of myself. I am a 36 year old mother of two..and I was freaking out. W was working late & the boys were sleeping while I wandered around the townhouse thinking crazy thoughts:

Crazy thoughts:

I totally need a weapon. I need something to bash their shiny heads in.

I wonder if aliens are really burned by plain water like the ones on Signs.

and me trying to calm myself thoughts:

Aliens wouldn't come here to a townhouse complex in Imperial. They need back woods somewhere....not deliverance back woods, but more like Canadian woods where peole are drunk on beer & less likely to fight them off.

Aliens wouldn't attack a place that is over run by Latinos they know better...Latinos would fight them off...picture the nana smacking one with a broom...Latinos would kill them off with whatever household shit they could grab, have a carne asada, go to church and then be on the TV crying over the whole experience while their boy cousin proudly tells the show's host that he fed one of the aliens to his dogs.

I told Flaca how I scared the crap out of myself...I could feel her rolling her eyes (this issue is getting old for those close to me) through her text. I told B about it...and because it was late & I was tired I think B totally understood that I was off my rocker. I told W about it who said "not the Aliens again woman..."

I wish there was alien garlic I could hang from my windows & G's bassinet.

Where does the public hair come in?

First of all, I don't think aliens have pubic hair....why would they need pubs in space? Why wouldn't they? For some reason pubic hair in space doesn't make sense. Princess Leia probably had a Brazilian wax.

The pubic hair story is for flaca I started to tell you this but never got around to it.

When I was 22ish I blissfully sat on my toilet doing my business unaware of anything vitally important...when I looked down at my business. I saw a grey pubic hair. I sat there in shock at first staring at the offending hair thinking that maybe it was a mistake. My body some how over looked something like they do at all offices & this pubic hair was suppose to be sent elsewhere at a different time...like on my eyebrows when I'm sixty. After trying to shoo it away & realizing that it was there. I started to cry. Okay, I started to howl. This alerting the nana who back then was only the annoying superstitious little Mexican woman I live with....who started pounding on the door asking whats wrong...she kept yelling at me asking if I was pregnant. I have blocked out the rest...I don't remember much after that...but I do remember years of hair color being put in places it doesn't recommend on the box.

pensive

Nite Nite....

Bedtime is my favorite part of the day. Yes, for the overwhelming obvious reasons of putting the 1 tiny dude & 1 small dude to bed having some time to myself or chasing around the old man...but I like the ritual of it. I like the dinner, the cleanup, the baths, brushing teeth, reading the book, good nights, kisses all of it. Sometimes when I'm exhausted I would like to skip half of it, but even then I enjoy it. The best part for me is something that gives me that calm cozy feeling every time anytime of year. Right before I go to bed I always go into their rooms to check on them. I cover them up or untangle them...touch their little bald heads & kiss the small dude behind the ear...wouldn't try that with the tiny dude might wake the beast...It always gives me such a feeling of gratitude. They are safe, they are home, they are loved...I am lucky because many others don't have this & I do. I know there are many mothers out there that wish to give their children safety & peace enough to play & grow but can not....so every single night I am grateful always.


Cable Guy

When the cable guy showed up we chatted for a moment before he started his work...he looked at me and said "Oh your getting connected...this is nice lately all I do is disconnect..." What an incredible simple statement of the time we live in.


Appearance:

I've been getting a lot of "Wow, you look good..." lately. I mean I am getting it a lot. Which is interesting to me...did I look that shitty before? Did contact lenses make that much of a difference? I stole Kates haircut from Jon & Kate plus 8...am I giving off a Kate vibe? Do these people say that because they know I had a baby 4 months ago and well they don't want to upset the mama? Or they want to make the mama feel good about her mama self? I have actually felt really shitty about my appearance lately. When we moved into this townhouse I had my bubble very violently burst...there are huge mirrors here. I had small mirrors at the apartment. I (go ahead and gasp..) I dared to look at myself butt naked in front of a mirror. I was horrified when I found out (seriously I hadn't a clue) that after giving birth to G the C section left me with a pot belly. I have always had a belly but a pot belly is so so so terrible. Screw that weird looking girl on Pulp Fiction... I can't wait to get it cut out. So when people say "Wow, you look good..." I always think & have said to them "ya, but you don't see me naked..." AND I am gratefull that Big Country does & still hits this.

I'm back bitches...

After 10 days of no cable/Internet I am finally back online. I feel as if I was on some strange sabbatical..as if I was Bilbo Baggins back from an adventure...but that's everything isn't it just when your in the thick of whatever it's over & you are glad.

So here at the Bassets meaningless thoughts:

Condo/townhouse

I love it here. I love our new place. It's just perfect for us...From the moment I took a look at the models I knew this was the kind of place that suited our family and it does. My most favorite thing about it: it's very private...ya I know you wouldn't think that with a condo, but it is. We choose one in a specific location so that unless you wanted to come over, unless you knew exactly where I live you you wouldn't just happen to run across our place. I also like that we are the only people in the whole building (3 unites per building) the others haven't sold...I wish I was rich I would buy the other two & knock the fuck out of some walls. Least Favorite thing: water pressure upstairs sucks...There are always two things we do when moving into a new place...
1. Line cabinets
2. buy (as much as we can afford) kick ass shower heads
BUT the water pressure here sucks and the shower heads make no difference. Without getting too graphic my unmentionables just don't feel April fresh no matter how much I wash.

I also have the conspiracy theory idea that my appliances (microwave & stove) are smarter than me & can probably do the equations necessary for my Chemistry Class.

Chemistry Class:

I so dig my professor. I'll have to write a whole blog on him later...he's just interesting. I've mentioned him before..he's interesting, he's funny and besides B he's the best thing about having to take the forsaken should be forgotten art of Chemistry. A class that annoys the crap out of me with their math that only a what, a what, a mother fucking chemist should know.
BUT that's not what I wanted to say about the class....there's this kid in there...I'm being so old horny lady gross..but there's this young guy in there that looks like Joaquin Phoenix and that just leads me into all sorts of distraction. I have a thing for Mr. Phoenix so if Dateline Predators could read my thoughts I'd be in trouble.

My kid:

I tell my 4 year old lies all the time...not ordinary lies..but whimsical crazy shit. My mother scolded me the other day when she over heard me telling him something. I don't know why I do it...maybe because I'm a self entertaining asshole even to my kid. Or maybe because he's freaking 4 and life should be kinda magical.
Here are a couple examples:

Gorillas beat on their chest because they have gas & need to burp or fat very badly.

Small water falls in canals are there so the catfish can play & not be so sad.

Monsters hate lotion. So when taking on a monster you should always carry a bottle of lotion...they don't like lotion because they like being itchy. Being itchy makes them extra grouchy & thus monsters.

Monkeys hate spaghetti but love carne asada.


I got in trouble with the nana over the canal story...bah to her and her pinesol castle...

I shall spend the next couple days catching up on my online class...but damn it's good to be back....I have thoughts that need typing out.